4/18/2014

Why I Think Couples Shouldn't Tell Others About Their Problems

Okay, so first off, I'm not a professional anything, I didn't go to school to learn this and I don't have any degrees or anything. The following is all my opinion.

Recently I was talking to a friend (names retracted for privacy), and she was venting a bit about how hard finances are right now. That doesn't really surprise me, a LOT of people are struggling with money, including me and my hubby. Crazy, I know. Anyways, her and her hubby have been having issues and I was there to listen to her.

But it got me thinking, "how come people like to talk to someone else about marital problems?". You see, while they, like many others, have money issues, one of them talks to the parents about it. Normally that doesn't sound like a bad thing. But when one of you goes and tells your parents that it is frustrating you and making you mad and upset and you are just hurting over it, then things get bad.

When you tell someone your money problems so you can get help, that is different then complaining about and blaming your spouse for your money problems. If you need to, go to someone for help to fix your budget and find one that works for you.

Short of that though, don't complain to someone else.

Here are some reasons why:

  1. It Hurts. The short and simple truth. NO ONE wants to feel like they are a bad person and not doing all they can. Seriously though. It really can effect the emotional state of the person you are complaining about. They think that you think very little of them and that you can't trust them and that they are no good. That's a bad thing to feel about yourself.
  2. It's Personal. Your finances and how you budget them is personal. I know I said earlier to get help, but help with how to budget isn't the same as help with your money. You decide where your money goes, you decide what kind of debt you want. Someone else can just advise you on how to budget best, you turn around and make it personal. That being said, don't go complain to someone else. 
  3. It Turns Them. When you complain to someone, a close friend or family member, especially parents, you can expect that person to automatically be on your side and defend you and to start to think less of your spouse. If you want your marriage to last, do not complain to someone else about something you need to discuss with your spouse. 
  4. It Turns You. After a long time of complaining and nagging and seeing the bad, you start to only see that and eventually it turns you against your spouse. You don't want that. You really don't. 
I have a picture that we got for our wedding that says, "Marriage requires falling in love many times. Always with the same person." To fall in love with someone over and over, you have to forgive the faults and move on. If it's harder said then done, then talk about it with your spouse and figure it out. Don't go complain to someone else and feed your negative feelings. By doing that you will more than likely end your marriage. Instead talk to your spouse and figure out how to compromise.

Well that's how I feel about that situation and I feel it can apply to more than just financial problems. 

What are things you do to help with marital stress? Have any tips with how to budget?


12 comments:

  1. So true! Keep things personal and private as much as possible. Thanks for sharing. Visiting form UBC

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  2. What a well written and sound post. All that you have said is plain old common sense and I wish more people would embrace it.
    Well said.
    http://inderpreetkaur.blogspot.in/2014/04/quintessential-questions.html

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    1. Thank you! I agree, I wish people would keep this in mind more often. I will visit your site too!

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  3. Hi Darci, agree with on everything since I am in the dumps for the time being. But, complaining for the lack of money doesn't help and one need to make an effort and try to be positive:)

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    1. You are right! Being positive is important!

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  4. So true! Any professional will tell you the same thing, so this is not just an opinion! It's truth! I think everyone should learn this, though. Lee and I decided from day one that we would be committed to each other and never say anything bad about the other. Through good times and bad, we are devoted and we work it out. If we need advice, we ask for it then take it back to somewhere private and discuss our options. But we never tell our parents bad things about the other. I have seen that in people close to me - they spout their anger and negativity to their parents and the parents begin to resent the spouse for treating their son/daughter that way. And there are 2 sides to that story, so it is unfair. But the biggest point is that your relationship with your spouse is the only relationship that you get to choose. Your parents, siblings, children, cousins, grandparents, aunts, uncles- they are all a matter of chance, so to speak. But your spouse is YOUR choice. Why would you sabotage your most precious and life-long relationship? When the parents pass on, the siblings and children find their own relationships and start families, you are left with your spouse. Hopefully you keep that as the top priority - and most precious relationship! - of all. Thanks for this post! It is spot-on!

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    1. You are so right! And that is why I believe this! You and dad are the reason I try not to talk to others about something so personal. That and I really don't want to sabotage my marriage! I LOVE my husband!

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  5. Darci,

    This is a wonderfully wise and practical reminder that everyone should read. I appreciate you honesty and courage in coming forward in sharing such a "personal" topic. Grateful for your share. KUDOS!!!

    Carina
    http://carinasueburns.com/

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    1. Thank you so much! I felt others should really know these things, or at least remember them. Thanks for commenting! I'll visit your site too.

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  6. Communicating honestly and openly with your spouse should be number one priority. The problem is people many times have shame wrapped around money issues. It's crazy that you are talking about budgeting because I'm editing a video post about making a budget in record time - but before even going to the budget, it's best if people work on the hang-ups they have around being honest about money. I recommend Brene Brown's book "the gifts of imperfection". Great conversation, Darci

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    1. Thanks so much! I really appreciate your feedback! I'd love to see your video and I will have to look for that book! Thanks again!

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