11/24/2009

Changes

So... Not that anyone really reads this but I just want to write this somewhere.... My boyfriend broke up with me about two weeks ago. I am in love with him. He said he loved me too but needed to figure out his life and thought we should be apart while he did so. While I don't hate him (how could I possibly? I am in love with him!) I still don't really understand his reasoning. But as its been two weeks it doesn't really matter anymore, he's gone. Maybe for forever, who knows... I certainly don't and its tearing me apart! All I want is to be with him or to move on, and sadly, despairingly I cant. I'm stuck in an emotional rut, my life is in limbo. The only thing that can even take my mind off him is work, sometimes not even then! And sadly church doesn't take my mind of him either. I'm in a singles ward where almost every lesson is somehow tied to finding "the one", so to speak. It really sucks, I have to try hard not to cry. I have to try even harder not to cry when I'm around my friends, as sad as that is. Every song reminds me of him in some way. Every little thing we do makes me miss him more. I go to bed early now a days. Whats the point in staying up? My excuse is that I work in the morning. But I've stayed up late before and woke up early. The real reason is that I am so emotionally drained from trying not to think about him but having nothing else on my mind that I cant function past ten. So I go to bed. Where I sometimes, almost always, dream about him! No I don't always remember them but I know he's in them. And what does that do? It crushes me. I have to start over with every dream I have about him, with every conversation he is in, with every song I hear, every lesson taught. Sadly I fear I'll never move on. Oh how I want to! I cant live without him, no, but I don't think he's coming back! And I cant hold out hope for it. So I try, oh so hard, to move on. Nothing works! I've tried to think of every guy I've come across as a possible way to get over him. None! None come close to being someone I could move on to. When it comes down to it I cant picture myself with anyone else. Yeah maybe for a second I can be like "oh he's cool and probably loads of fun!" But when I really think about it I'm scared. I don't have my heart anymore, it belongs completely to this guy. And sadly I cant, and don't want to get it back! I'm scared of being hurt again, scared that the next guy will love me but I wont be able to give my heart back to him because I don't have it! And I have no idea how to get it back. I wish I could find some sort of rebound guy, but I know it wont work. I know that deep down inside I cant picture spending the rest of my life with anyone else but him. So what do I do? The only answer I can come up with is, nothing. I do nothing, and slowly waste away until I become the very thing that I am doing.

1 comment:

  1. Oh my gosh Darci!!! On one hand I am so sad when I read this (I know I am reading this way after it happened) but on the other I am in awe of how amazing a writer and poet you are!!!! You are such a romantic and I am so amazed by you! You are an amazing girl and I PROMISE you WILL find the right guy....hey, my perfect guy who I gave my heart to ended up coming back to me 4 years later!!! So basically I got my heart back only to turn around and give it right back to him :) I love you sis!

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