12/04/2009

Looking Up

Things are starting to look up for me! :) Maybe because I started looking up more, to our Heavenly Father. I am praying more and reading my scriptures every night, no matter how tired! I am finally becoming happy! :) A lot of it is because of the Lord of course, but also my friends and family! Who are always here for me no matter what! I love them! :) Also I dyed my hair and it totally rocks! :) I love doing something different to my hair! :) And I just love change! haha! I am going to try and move out with my friend Rachel soon, but if I cant I am going to try to find a different place to live in also. I want to move out. It's good for the soul sometimes. lol Plus my family will be right here in town so it'll be ok :) anyways, peace out my little brownies! hehe :)

11/26/2009

Daddy Talks

I know I just wrote that sad, depressing post just the other day, but I have had a change of heart. My dad and I had the most life changing talk of my life! While everyone else was busy trying to make me happy in, sadly, the only way they knew how (which was to tell me they are sorry, it'll be OK, and it takes time) my loving father told me what I could DO in the meantime. Yes it hurts, yes it'll take loads of time, yes, eventually, it'll be OK. But what frustrated me and depressed me the most was that I didn't understand the reasoning behind the break up and I was sick of not knowing what to DO and all anyone would tell me is it was going to take time. I sadly was arguing and yelling at good friends (sorry guys) but not anymore. My dad and I had a long talk last night where we talked about what could possibly be the reasoning and what I should do in the meantime to improve and better myself so that I may one day be led by the promptings of Heavenly Father to the man I'm supposed to be with. Yes it could be this guy I was just with, but if it isn't think of how horrible it would be to be stuck with the wrong person for forever! I cant think of anything worse! And while I still hope it is this man I am more willing to listen to what Heavenly Father is telling me. I want to be with the right person and I know that I will be if I listen to the Lord. He works in different ways for every person on this earth, for every person is different and needs to hear and be told and led to Him in different ways. Sometimes its through others that we come to Him. Sometimes we are too caught up in what we want that we don't really listen for His answer and His guidance. And even if He approves and actually wants us to have that too we still need to ask and come unto Him. We need to put him first. Sometimes we need to prove that no matter what we ARE putting Him first, that no matter what it is we want, we are trying to want what the Lord wants for us for that is ultimately the best thing we could possibly get. Sometimes we are tested in difficult ways that are hard for us, but would it really be a test if it wasn't hard? Heavenly Father puts us through these trials to strengthen us, and we have two choices, come unto Him, or turn away. Ultimately I want to be with Him so I am trying to draw closer to Him. Talking with my dad has made me realize I need to do this with all my heart. And so in order to know what Heavenly Father wants for me I am drawing closer to him. I have made goals to help me do so. I recommend this to everyone. Read them often, work on them everyday and when you are done with that, move on to new goals but keep doing the things you set out to do. Keep pressing forward and becoming the best possible you you can be! For that is all that our Heavenly Father asks of us and it is all we can do. He provides a way to make up the rest of our imperfections. The Atonement is there to make us perfect in the end, for we can not reach perfection in this life. Not alone. Through Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior we can make it back to be with our loving Father in Heaven. And only through Him can this be done. With out His atoning sacrifice we would never make it home. I know this is true with all my heart and that is why, even through the pain I know I can make it through, for our Savior has already felt the pain of what I felt, He went through our pains and sorrow with us, He carried us through it. And now we can be stronger happier people, and we can help uplift others. And I hope we all try to do so. Love ya!

11/24/2009

Changes

So... Not that anyone really reads this but I just want to write this somewhere.... My boyfriend broke up with me about two weeks ago. I am in love with him. He said he loved me too but needed to figure out his life and thought we should be apart while he did so. While I don't hate him (how could I possibly? I am in love with him!) I still don't really understand his reasoning. But as its been two weeks it doesn't really matter anymore, he's gone. Maybe for forever, who knows... I certainly don't and its tearing me apart! All I want is to be with him or to move on, and sadly, despairingly I cant. I'm stuck in an emotional rut, my life is in limbo. The only thing that can even take my mind off him is work, sometimes not even then! And sadly church doesn't take my mind of him either. I'm in a singles ward where almost every lesson is somehow tied to finding "the one", so to speak. It really sucks, I have to try hard not to cry. I have to try even harder not to cry when I'm around my friends, as sad as that is. Every song reminds me of him in some way. Every little thing we do makes me miss him more. I go to bed early now a days. Whats the point in staying up? My excuse is that I work in the morning. But I've stayed up late before and woke up early. The real reason is that I am so emotionally drained from trying not to think about him but having nothing else on my mind that I cant function past ten. So I go to bed. Where I sometimes, almost always, dream about him! No I don't always remember them but I know he's in them. And what does that do? It crushes me. I have to start over with every dream I have about him, with every conversation he is in, with every song I hear, every lesson taught. Sadly I fear I'll never move on. Oh how I want to! I cant live without him, no, but I don't think he's coming back! And I cant hold out hope for it. So I try, oh so hard, to move on. Nothing works! I've tried to think of every guy I've come across as a possible way to get over him. None! None come close to being someone I could move on to. When it comes down to it I cant picture myself with anyone else. Yeah maybe for a second I can be like "oh he's cool and probably loads of fun!" But when I really think about it I'm scared. I don't have my heart anymore, it belongs completely to this guy. And sadly I cant, and don't want to get it back! I'm scared of being hurt again, scared that the next guy will love me but I wont be able to give my heart back to him because I don't have it! And I have no idea how to get it back. I wish I could find some sort of rebound guy, but I know it wont work. I know that deep down inside I cant picture spending the rest of my life with anyone else but him. So what do I do? The only answer I can come up with is, nothing. I do nothing, and slowly waste away until I become the very thing that I am doing.

10/06/2009

Are you happy?

I met this guy (yes, we are dating) and he makes me so happy! He is one of my best friends and I can tell him anything and I know he will still like me. It's crazy how everything worked out with him. :) For some reason he really likes me too. I'm not sure why he likes me so much, but I don't really care because I really like him back. :) And basically that's about all I can update everyone about. Work is the same, still trying to become a groomer. Boys? Obviously I'm not having much of a problem with that anymore hehe ;) Anyways... just wanted the few people who read this to know what was going on in my life... Love you all!

8/24/2009

Decisions!

I like having a choice, but sometimes there is too much to choose from and I cant decide! I know we all get that way but it still sucks. I want to just say screw it all and not even worry about it. But I know I cant do that because these decisions could change my life! Not all are that big but some are and its hard. OH! I chose to just become a groomer finally! I think its the best decision. I'll make more money in the long run, its something I could do out of my home someday and I really really like it so far! :) I do have to wait to go to the grooming academy until maybe January. They don't have it in Oct. Nov. or Dec. and I'm not good enough to go next month, so I have to wait. Plus I have way too much going on next month. And the other "life altering" (I put it in quotes because it could or could not be life altering) decision has to do with boys. As always they play a part in the life of a girl, and sometimes it could be a big part. And no I'm not dating anyone, but there are a lot of possibilities at the moment and I don't know who I like more. So at the moment I'm just going to be friends with everyone and see what happens. If they like me and want to date me then they can be the ones to try for me. I'm sick of being the one who tries to find out if a guy likes me or not and if they want to date me. They can try for me now! So yeah... That's about my life right now, work and boys haha sounds good right? Well, sometimes it is! :) Later!

7/28/2009

Starting a Career

So I work at Petsmart, yes I love it, But here is the thing, I cant decide whether I want to go into dog grooming or dog training... Not sure, but I think I can do both. I just have to decide which one to do first. I was also thinking of maybe going to school for photography. But we'll see what happens. I sometimes wish I could skip this part of my life and just go straight to the part where I have a husband who does all the working and I can just do stuff around the house, but then I would miss the parts of life that would mean alot, like falling in love with that person and how we met and all the trials I that would make me grow. So in some ways I'm happy to be single and have a decision of what I want to go into and in some ways I wish searching for a career and a husband were done with. Haha :) Anyways, Peace Out!

4/27/2009

Starting Over

So I moved to Idaho. Crazy, I know but its true. I never thought I'd live here, but it actually isn't that bad at all. It's kinda growing on me. I like being at home with my family, its helping me to recollect myself and become who I used to be. I used to be depressed and sad all the time, but now I feel much better! :) It's great! haha mostly I have my mom to thank, she has been helping me to not just sit around. All my family has been helping, and my friends! The few who I know here, haha. Now that some are gone back home to CA I mostly just sit around at home. Or I'm working, at Petsmart, which is fun but kind of weird. Also its kind of far away, I need a job closer. Which I am looking for. But no luck yet. Also on the subject of starting over I am trying to figure out just what I want to do with my life, what I want to go to school for and stuff like that. Anyways, I'll write more soon, later!